F*Ck chocolates. give her an axe.

Flowers. Jewelry. Chocolates.

Those are our traditional Valentine’s Day gifts. They’re all pleasant things. Frivolous things. Things that made sense when the world seemed soft and safe and generally survivable.

The world doesn’t seem that way anymore. These days, it seems everything is trying to kill us. Bomb cyclones threaten our coastal cities. Nuclear Armageddon is a tweet away. Philadelphia Eagles fans run rampant in the streets.

These are dangerous times. So if you really want to show your love this year, don’t waste your money on treats. Invest in something that will help your partner survive the months ahead.

Buy her an axe.

We sell three different axes in our online shop, each designed for a specific use case. All three are made in the U.S.A. our friends at Off Grid Tools, and all three come with a lifetime warranty.

The burliest is the Firefighter’s Handy Rescue Tool: a lightweight but super-strong hatchet designed to help first responders enter collapsed or burning buildings.

In addition to a steel axe head, it’s fitted with a claw hammer, a nail puller, a hose spanner, a gas cut-off wrench, and a grappel hook. A shock absorbing grip allows its user to swing with abandon into doors, walls, or whatever else. If you’re worried about earthquakes, fires, or other structural risks, this is your axe.

The Trucker’s Friend employs a similar design, but includes a few features that are specially-designed for use on the road. It’s fitted with the same tools as the Firefighter’s Handy Rescue Tool, but it also has a built-in tire chain hook. As the name implies, it’s pretty much perfect for truckers, horse-trailer haulers, and other big-vehicle driving types.

The Survival Axe Elite is for the rest of us. It has a total of 30 features, most of which are designed to help its user survive or assist after a serious car wreck. With just this one tool, a user can shut gas valves, cut seat belts, shatter windows, and pry open doors.

It’s got a bottle opener, too.